Cut The Shit Start The Pit

I’ve been cheated on 15-20 times in the past year…all by the same guy. I can even list all the girls because i get so fucking worried about it so i creep on them so hard…I know i know im fucked up for staying with him and im fucked up for creeping well i didnt even get to the good part…Id wake up almost every day to some sort of yelling or being put down by him “youre fat” “youre an idiot” “Youre a cunt” “youre a piece of shit” his mother even called me a cunt a piece of shit. He was also physically abusive. he was pretty fucked up the even more fucked up thing is, i like miss him. its been a year and a few days but i went on to his ipad and found out that he had all these girls numbers saved on it so i deleted it then the next day he calls me bitches me out and now we arent talking. I assume we broke up. Im not sure. but im done. battered woman syndrome is the fucking worst thing to have in the world. you hurt yourself constantly by letting someone else hurt you. The pretty nice thing is…ive had this friend. He has always been there for me and we have always been close and last night i did it i just told him i had feelings for him and you know what? he fucking has the same feelings so then we drank a bit which is bad for me because im on anti-depressants and alcohol is a depressant. >< but I wasnt depressed or sad i was totally happy being a happy girl being cool as hell. so this guy ends up sleeping over and we stay up all night…it was fucking great. but we did talk and we said that we wanted to take it slow he just got out of a relationship and so did i we didnt want to rush into anything and have it get fucked up. I just dont want to be someones number or 2nd. I deserve to be 1st and a top priority instead of a late night fuck like i have always been. So yes i really like this new guy but idk if its cold feet or something but im like heartbroken even though my heart isnt like really breaking too much now that im like keeping busy. it must just be my anxiety making me feel weird. ugh no one is going to read this but if you do. please give me advice. id really like it. i just. want.

to be happy.